She just texted me again.

I know I haven’t been up to date with what I’ve been doing wthg my life, but to be frank who gives a fuck? No one reads this blog. This is just my way of archiving the thoughts that i have in my head because what are we if not the thoughts that we have in the moment?

This has been a super rought month for me. The Coronavirus scare is the way I believe that the rest of the world is catching up to the emotional status that I feel just now.

Mid February, my roommate and his girlfriend, my coworker that we kind of dislike, and his girlfrie wife and friend, and myself went to Big Bear. (Like the metadata of this blog suggests I currently live in San Diego). It was a lot of fun! It felt a little lonely from time to time given that I ended up alone for long stretches of the day to try out different slopes and whatnot, but that’s besides the point. It was a long three day weekend trip. The day after we came back, however, my car stalled on the freeway on the way from work home.

It had been the third time it had stalled within a year. It was then that I’ve made the decision to to get a new car. It had to have been towed to a couple of places right before I went home (to Reno) for my sister’s 16th birthday (which took place in a wonderfully sad corner booth of Chili’s but I digress).

On top of having to get a new car, I had to get a new apartment. My roommate had expressed how had been wanting to move in with his girlfriend (with whom he basically lives anyways since she’s always around). I can’t argue with that; I’d want to do the same so I can’t really take it personally. I had been looking around the Mira Mesa/Sorrento Valley area to find an apartment. And by looking around, I mean two sessions of being on Zillow looking for single bedroom apartment complexes in between meetings at work. Now that I think about it, if I’m being really honest, I didn’t really put all the much effort into the apartment search; I was just saying that to people so that they wouldn’t think I’m not putting in any effort into my struggles. I only really saw once place with my roommate just to prove my struggles and it, for the same price was awful.

Fast forward to today, I had just realized that although I was waiting for my family to come visit my apartment and help me move from my current unit to anotger unit in the same complex. so I had to look stupid in front my team at work. Then I got a text out of nowhere

This is the entire conversation we had.

6:37 PM

B: Hey I shouldn’t talk to you or anything but I just really wanted to say something

it’s very off topic

well we don’t have a topicbut it’ll come out of nowhere

Me: What is it? Are you ok?

B: yeah i’m fine

Me: What is it?

*pause*

Me: Be safe from the coronavirus

B: i had to watch this movie for my chicano history class, idk if you’ve seen it, it’s called Real women have curves, but after seeing that movie and generally learning a lot about Hispanic households (mainly mexican) the past couple semesters, i just wanted to say i get why you were the way we were when we were together, and i don’t hold that against you

i think the movie describes what you spoke about perfectly
so i’d recommend it
and thx i think i actually had it last week but thats besides the point

Me: I haven’t seen it.
Why did you bring this up just now?

B: I have no idea

Well people kept telling me i shouldn’t talk to you for your own good

but also i didn’t know whether it really meant much me saying that

but after seeing the movie it just made everything make sense

Me: It means a lot. More than I can put in words. But, not to offend, what’s the point now? I fucked up. There’s no going back.

B: hey don’t ask the journalism major why they do things

we just do WORDS

I’m not sure though, something just compelled me to tell you that

idk hard to explain without writing walls and my WUPUM isn’t as high as yours

*pause*

sorry to both you though, hopefully i didn’t ruin anything, please be safe and happy and well

bye bye

Me: Please write why

But not here

Bye. And don’t worry. You would never ruin anything for me

Private Conversation, Facebook Messenger.

I know she doesn’t hold it against me. But how can I not?

I still love you, B.

Ok so because there’s no real reason for you, the audience member, to read my blog or give a shit, and I have no context over what it is you’d like to read, I’ll just start with exactly what I’m doing.

I’m starting a blog.

me

I’ve never actually done anything very “stream-of-consciousness” type that I’d let the world see before, and I’m excited to finally do it because, quite frankly, I need to vent. I figured the hive mind of the internet is a great audience under the blanket of “anonymous” because we can just say whatever we want, we get very equal and fair judgment and the wild wild west of the internet will always sort itself out for the better right? Not that there won’t be the usual trolls and what have you to add some color here and there, but there’ll be something of an audience that is convinced enough that i’m worthy of their time that could peruse my writings, right?

If you haven’t already gotten a sense of the blog posting that’s going to be happening here, it’s very stream of consciousness. Seemed cool. Always had wanted to try it. Watch; this’ll probably become like one of those blogs where the person only makes, like, three posts, then it get abandoned forever and then rediscovered cataloged in the cringiest corners of Reddit.

Ok so I’m making the “Introductory” post right now, concurrently with this. And this’ll probably be a living document as my posts help me redefine… myself, but if there’s anything confusing in there, maybe you care enough to look for context in the posts. So here come some caveats, and initial impressions.

Huh, like the typing style. Reminds me a lot of Word.

Ok I think that’s enough for my first post.

I promise I’ll talk more in my second.